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Many partners, and mothers-to-be as well,
are concerned that a doula will be a "third wheel" or will exclude the
partner from sharing in the birth. When you talk to parents who have had a
doula present for their birth, though, the opposite usually turns out to be
the case. A good doula always remembers that this birth is the parents'
experience, not hers. She is there to support your wishes and help
the two of you to maintain your physical and emotional resources to share
the birth together.
If one of you feels reluctant about having
a doula, talk about it together. Be honest about what's bothering you. If
your partner wants to be the one you rely on the most, he may feel that if
you want a doula, it must mean you don't think he will do a good job
supporting you. Usually that's not at all true, but it helps to talk it
through. Many partners actually find they are more actively involved
in the birth when an experienced professional supporter is present.
If, on the other hand, your partner feels a
bit (or a lot!) uncomfortable about being present at the birth, a doula's
presence means you have continuous support while your partner is free to
respect his own limits and come and go throughout labor.
Things you can do to make for a comfortable
relationship between you, your partner, and your doula:
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As a
couple, be open and honest with one another about your feelings
about having a doula or other aspects of your birth you may not agree
on. This won't be the first or the last time you disagree when it comes
to your child! Use the chance to work on your problem-solving skills.
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Talk when
you first meet with your doula about any specific expectations
you have, or things you want her to do or not to do. Be clear
about what you want her role to be so there are no misunderstandings.
This is your birth and you are paying for a service. Make
sure it is what you want!
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During the
birth, if you see something the doula is doing that you want to be able
to do -- maybe massage or a pressure technique, ask her to show you
how.
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Don't be afraid to ask for some
privacy if you would like, at any time during your labor. Privacy
helps labor progress! And a good doula respects your needs and won't
feel put out in the slightest.
See also:
What is a doula?
Why hire a doula?
Choosing a doula
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